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Words by Bark

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Submitted on
November 7, 2012
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In totality I find inebriation-
A snick of latches undone
The stitch-heavy cloth
Sighing, whispering off
And boots dropped like thunder
The lightning dry because
Our skin is sweat-bare
As from an impersonal fever.
Savoring your whiskey breath
That starts in the crux of my shoulder
Rolling up my décolletage
I labor to find your beginning
Wanting to uncoil the storm
This piece was a winner for EliteLiterature's Literature of the Week spot. Thank you! :) [link]
Thank you to *glossolalias for the suggested improvements!
© 2005-2012 Jessica Thompson. All rights reserved. All work displayed here is of my own creation and may not be used in any way, shape, or form without my direct written consent.
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:iconglossolalias:
glossolalias Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2012
oh goodness. i am going to begin by saying, this critique is going to be a lot of love and a few little gripes. i adore this poem; you have a way of capturing sensuality and twining it with these raw, almost animalistic emotions. this one in particular is so flawed and human and beautiful: the essence of a bad relationship.

there is one thing about this poem that i think could be improved upon, and it's this line: "Undulating up my décolletage "

undulating. what a cumbersome, unrhythmic, unpleasant word. the poem has this gorgeous (if natural) cadence up to this point, and then this line completely throws it. it's regained in the last lines, but it's the word "undulating" that really kills it for me, especially beside décolletage, which is a delicate word on its own, but in combination, the two play off each other poorly.

otherwise, beautiful. x) nicely done.
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:iconpomohippie7:
pomohippie7 Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012   Writer
I have followed your suggestion. I have put 'rolling' in place up 'undulating' I think it does flow better. hank you so much for the help and for the favorite!
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:iconglossolalias:
glossolalias Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012
you're welcome! and yes, rolling does work much better.
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:iconarchelyxs:
archelyxs Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012
"I labor to find your beginning
Wanting to uncoil the storm"
This is stunning, love.
I missed you and your work. I hope all is well :heart:
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:iconpomohippie7:
pomohippie7 Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2012   Writer
Thank you so much for your kind words, lovely. :heart: :blushes: I am so glad to hear from you; it's been way too long. Are you well? Things are a little boring on my end but they say no news is good news. :)
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:iconkaitforest:
KaitForest Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2012   Writer
this is beautiful
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:iconpomohippie7:
pomohippie7 Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2012   Writer
Thank you so much for your kind words and the favorite. :heart:
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:iconkaitforest:
KaitForest Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2012   Writer
of course!
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:iconkaitforest:
KaitForest Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2012   Writer
I labor to find your beginning
Wanting to uncoil the storm


several bits in this i just want to keep reading, they are so perfectly composed
and striking
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:icondreamsinstatic:
dreamsinstatic Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2012
Your fantastic work has been featured in Friday Night Features.
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